Ask Jude

Jude Simpson is a survivor of family violence who now works as a family violence prevention advocate for Presbyterian Support Northern.

Jude experienced abuse as a child from the age of 9 and subsequently became caught up in a cycle of domestic violence, substance abuse and crime. For 28 years she lived in violent and abusive relationships, was a member of both the Mongrel Mob and Highway 61 gangs and had four children to four different partners.

In her thirties Jude sought help and turned her life around. She is now a living example that change is possible and that people can break the cycle of violence.

She is committed to helping others to live free of violence.

Ask Jude a Question Archive of Questions

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Q:

I need to leave my husband. He is verbally and emotionally abusive. He has not hit but he put his hands around my throat the night before I gave birth to my daughter, and on a couple of other occasions. He frequently tells me I am dull, fat, and other words I won't put into writing. I have to walk behind him in public and he has managed to alienate my family and friends. Our landlord and tradespeople who have come to our house have expressed their concern about the way he speaks to me but he says I drive him to it and I deserve it. He also says he will kill me if I ever date anyone else and while I think he is just saying that it creates an element of doubt. He drinks a lot, even when children are around and I do not want my daughter thinking this is okay. I have not lost the weight from the baby, I work full time and went back to support him and my step daughter. He uses this against me. The baby is in day care full time and he does not work. He is supposed to be studying. I organise everything for the whole family, including my step daughter. I am so tired and have no energy for sex which results in another torrent of abuse being launched at me. I want to leave but he says he will take my daughter off me. I am happy for him to see her at the weekend during the day but do not want him to be able to have her for overnight visits as he will be drunk and is careless with her safety and making sure she is warm and properly cared for. I have supported him through a custody battle over my step daughter for the last two years but now have come to the conclusion that his ex partner is right in trying to restrict his access to their daughter. What can I do, I can't leave because I don't want to put my daughter at risk through shared custody weekends, but I can't live like this either.

 
A: What a difficult time this must be for you. What an incredibly strong woman you are, to keep going the way you are while carrying such a big load. You sound like an amazing mum to your daughter and a great step mum to your step daughter. You have articulated yourself beautifully and what I want and need you to know is that you have done nothing wrong. This is not about you!!!

If your husband talks to you in an abusive way, it is not because you drive him to it, it is because he chooses to speak to you like that. The times he has physically abused you, was because he chose to and had nothing to do with you. I also need you to know that there is help available to you if you want it. Before you make any decisions about leaving or not leaving because of your concerns around custody of your daughter may I suggest that you contact a social service agency in your area that offers support to women like yourself going through similar situations.

If you ring our information line on 0800 456 450 they will tell you what help is available in your area. Also it would be very valuable if you contact a family court lawyer and share your story and share your concerns around your husband having shared custody and he/she will clarify this for you and give you information that will help you in your decision making.

It is not always wise for us to stay in abusive relationships for reasons that we think are valid when in fact we could be doing more harm than good to our children. The latest research now shows that children who witness family violence in any form are affected by it, even if they are not directly on the end of the abuse, they may be in another room with the door closed but they are still being affected by it and the effects may not surface straight away but they will change who your daughter becomes.

If you decide to leave then there are services available to you, even if you have to temporarily go to the women's refuge with your daughter. They will help you put in place things to help keep you safe, such as a Protection Order and Interim Custody Order for your daughter. They will also be able to help you sort out accommodation, furniture (if necessary), finances, legal assistance and other services you may need to help you move on from this relationship. They will also be able to advise you of programmes that are run to help women build their self esteem educate themselves around family violence and move on from it.

Lastly I need you to know that you should not ever have to walk behind your husband when out in public, that is just another form of abuse and it is ok if you haven't lost the weight from your pregnancy, you are still you and from what I can tell from your letter you seem like someone pretty special. I wish you all the very very best in your journey.

Jude