September
08 Sep 2010
My daughter has just advised this afternoon that she was hit in the head twice by her partner while she was holding her baby last night and had cold water thrown in her face and told to cool off. Of course her mother and I are really worried for her safety and have told her to leave him and call the police. We have told her to bring herself and the kids over to our house and stay with us until the Police decide on what to do with him. However she has declined to move in with us and declined to call the police instead she feels that she is partly the cause for his violence because she punched him and yelled at him. She also feels that she does not want to be the cause of a failed relationship and does not want to be a statistic. I know she is confused right now and my wife and I don't know what else to do and feel that we can't act unless she wants us to. I'm angry that he has done this to my daughter and in front of their 3 children. I know that further violence is not the answer, but to see my daughter in that state makes us both angry. I have given her some phone numbers for help but still feel angry at what he's done to my daughter and grandchildren. This in my eyes has been building and my wife and I have noticed for a while that his attitude towards her and the children has changed in a disturbing way over the last 2 years. I am sure he has done this before and my daughter has not told us about it .What can my wife and I do? Please help.
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August
31 Aug 2010
Hi Vic,
I'm a mid-30s male from the UK and moved to NZ in 2009 to be with my Wellington raised girlfriend of three years. I come from a broken home, never knew my dad, my mum who I don't speak to has been a drug addict most of her life, I was mentally and physically abused by various family and friends. Was put into foster care aged 7 until I left home aged 17, my foster parents never loved me and were quite strict even though I was a quiet, introverted kid. Since moving to NZ, things haven't been too easy. I've had trouble finding a job and have been feeling very isolated and lonely as I don't really know anybody plus my girlfriend is studying at university and just seems busy all the time. We've had some drunken fights in the past resulting in me either grabbing or shoving her, something I really regret to the point that I now barely drink at all (I've never been much of a drinker anyway). I've now found a pretty good job which I'm due to start next week and I'm looking forward to meeting new people and actually earning some decent money. This last few days though, we've had some blazing arguments and I'm worried that this is going to get worse when things should be getting better for us. At the moment we share a house with four other people, some of who are quite inconsiderate to others. Noise at all times, bringing drunken obnoxious mates back from the pub for an impromptu party etc and I've been feeling quite anxious about it all to the point that we are looking to move to somewhere more to our liking. I love my girlfriend very much and know she loves me too. I apologise to her for when I'm irritable and snappy as I know how it makes her feel as whenever she's in the same kind of mood I feel uneasy and on edge. Whenever we do argue and shout, my girlfriend is still upset a few days after when I think it's all been done and dusted and I'm made to feel like it's my fault when it's not always mine. I feel arguments are good to a point and to clear the air every now and again but don't think I deserve all the blame. I should point out that I was seeing a counsellor back in the UK as I had a "nervous breakdown" about five years ago due to me burying my childhood until it came bubbling to the surface and felt I was going crazy. Also, despite my girlfriend having lovely parents, her mum does shout and swear at my girlfriend, her sister (both mid-20s) and her dad when she gets angry. I hope this message makes some sense and you can hopefully help me and my girlfriend.
Thanks.
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11 Aug 2010
Growing up in a very dysfunctional Samoan family, there was lots of anger, criticism and being unfairly treated because of gender. Coming back from Australia to get some desperate help for my mental illness and then being verbally and physically confronted by my family about money issues was the last straw for me. Trying the Samoan way of getting help, I decided to get the local Samoan priest of our local parish involved as a mediator; instead he was also criticising and making excuses for my dad's violent behaviour. I feel no shame in getting the police involved and to this day, my father is still very angry because his pride is more important than his family. I have moved on and am enjoying life as I have every right to. It's no ok to use bullying tactics to control another person. I've learnt to use boundaries and be assertive.
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July
27 Jul 2010
Hey Vic I'm a 20 year old male and I know I've got an anger problem. Last Saturday I slapped my girlfriend because she was self harming herself, I was drunk and ended up bruising her eye. I don't know what to do, she forgives me but I don't forgive myself. I have a lot of anger and find it hard to deal with it. My dad went to prison when I was two for murder and ever since then I've been angry. I've found ways to deal with it and hide it but it's still there to the point where it pains me, I feel like I just want to hurt something to stop the pain but I need to deal with it and I don't want to be violent towards my girl friend ever. I also get very down a lot of the time and I find it very hard to feel love for myself. I know I sound like a victim but I don't know what to do. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to see if it's a depression thing or what. I'm just scared of hurting people, I hate that I become someone like that when I'm mad, I dunno what do I do? Another thing I don't show my anger very much but it's always there, I try and suppress it a lot of the time but it always ends up coming out eventually. As I said I don't know what to do, what do you think?
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19 Jul 2010
Kia Ora Vic,.I need to know what is the best way to approach the subject of getting help to a partner who is in denial. Admittedly, he hasn't actually beaten any of us yet, but he is verbally abusive and breaks things and uses heaps of put downs towards myself and my children. I just don't know how to bring it up without it ending up in an argument. Thanks heaps for your time Vic, I look forward to hearing from you.
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02 Jul 2010
Hello Vic, My daughter is a victim of family violence. Her partner has been an abused child and violence is a way of life. The family violence issue has been addressed and I am pleased to say results have been positive, however due to a child being involved my daughter has temporarily lost custody of my grand child. I do not deem her partner a lost cause, I know he loves her and I hold such hope for them as a family. My question is, is there hope for them to redeem themselves be reformed and live a normal stable life and does the system make this possible instead of just dividing families.
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June
25 Jun 2010
Hi Vic,
I am a 23 year old male and have been with my partner for about a year now and we have recently had a baby girl. When you get angry with someone what is the best possible way to manage this anger before it leads to further physical or psychological harm? My behaviour towards my partner has not been acceptable and I really need some help with this. I don't want her to be hurt because of my actions and I don't want my little girl to see her father yelling and grabbing her mother anymore. I'm sick of it and need some advice and maybe some help if you know of any ways it would be very much appreciated. Thank you.
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May
28 May 2010
Hi Vic, I have a problem with low self esteem and I often take this out on my partner and react to people and situations with verbally abusive comments/outbursts. I have self hatred about my appearance, feeling too fat mainly, unaccepted, and I often think people are laughing at me and calling me fat. I was bullied at primary, intermediate and secondary school for being chubby and I think my behaviour now is reflective of that. I've had no counselling and never really dealt with my issues, choosing to strike out verbally in anger when these insecurities pop up. Can you tell me how I can get some help please, I don't want to go on behaving like this in front of my partner and children, not to mention the public at large.
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12 May 2010
Hi Vic I am a 16 year old boy and I used to have problems - steal money from Dad, not listen to his orders, not massaging him or helping him because I was scared to go close to him because he was going to hit me and bash me. This time Dad thinks I stole his money from his wallet and I haven't and he bashed me like hard out. I am not close with Dad and he thinks I still stole it what can I do? I want to go close to him so what can I do?
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03 May 2010
Hi, I have a 19 year old son who has anger issues and has resorted to violence. He has agreed to get help. Where do I start? He is living with me at present and has a strong desire to change. Please advise. Many thanks.
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April
21 Apr 2010
Whenever I get angry, I take it out on my fiancé. I have recently started slapping him. It happens when I'm angry, and don't know I'm going to do it until it's already happened. He wants to leave me, and although this is not what I want, I can't really blame him. How can I change my thinking and hopefully keep my fiancé?
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March
25 Mar 2010
Hi Vic, my boyfriend of three years has become abusive recently. I love him very much but don't understand the change....what can I do to make him see it's not ok? I don't want to fight back, I came from a home that was abusive. I want to be happy.
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03 Mar 2010
Hi Vic, my son is very energetic and sometimes his energy gets the better of him and he gets into trouble. If he is naughty I sometimes smack his bottom or smack his hand but not too hard, now if he does something naughty even if it is only something small, or for instance if he spills a drink because he is not watching what he is doing, I go to growl at him for not being more careful and he screams his head off because he thinks I am going to smack his bottom very hard.
I have tried putting him into time-out when he is naughty but sometimes it doesn't seem to work with him, as a kid I was very naughty sometimes and I used to get a good hiding for it, and when I became a father I swore I would not treat my kids the way my father treated me when I was naughty. Please give me some advice, as I am starting to get really frustrated.
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February
24 Feb 2010
Hi Vic, I lost my wife and child of eight years old due to my violence. I need help. I got an order to attend counselling in February 2010. I need help now, I can't cope, I am in alone, no friends, I don't want to burden my daughter, husband, and moko.
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24 Feb 2010
Hi Vic, I lost my wife and child of eight years old due to my violence. I need help. I got an order to attend counselling in February 2010. I need help now, I can't cope, I am in alone, no friends, I don't want to burden my daughter, husband, and moko.
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24 Feb 2010
Hi Vic, I lost my wife and child of eight years old due to my violence. I need help. I got an order to attend counselling in February 2010. I need help now, I can't cope, I am in alone, no friends, I don't want to burden my daughter, husband, and moko.
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12 Feb 2010
Hi Vic
I have hurt my partner three times... once I hit her, the second I tried to calm her down and I hurt her arms by grabbing them, thirdly I grabbed her arms and hurt her again. I hate myself soo much. I always disliked violent men who hurt women but have now realised that things aren't as simple as good people bad people.
Things start with just a tiff and soon escalate. She and I are both very stubborn. I do love her to bits. She is so good to me and the worst part is she used to be abused very badly by her ex. I hate myself and don't know how to fix things. She's still with me which I am very grateful for and she does soo much for me - buys me the coolest stuff, really treats me right. We both have kids of our own and so far they haven't seen anything, but I fear one day unless I can stop myself then they might. I love her so dearly and our kids too. What I want to know is how can I stop the violence and calm myself down? I'm not really into help groups as I have a very hard time talking in front of people. What are some things I can do to stop what I'm doing?
Thanks.
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January
29 Jan 2010
Hi Vic, I know I am violent, well sort off. I need help fast before I lose my family. I always raise my voice at my partner then she starts to cry and makes me even more mad. I hate seeing another woman cry. We had a fight before and my seven month old daughter started to cry I didn't know what to do after that. It's not an every day thing, I try and be a good father and partner.
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