Faces of the Campaign
These four men appeared in the Campaign's television commercials, sharing their personal stories of change. Vic, George and Brian tell how they became violence free and healed their families. Alfred shares his story of intervening in a family violence situation.
Faces of the Campaign
"they feel safe to say or do anything..."
George's Story
Saying Sorry is Not Enough
George Ashby remembers the last time he hit his wife, in 1995.
"There had been a party and I went into the room my wife was sleeping in with the kids. I started bashing her for no reason, I just did it."
"In the middle of it all I looked over my shoulder and saw my uncle looking at me with disgust. I will never forget it, my uncle looking at me like that while my kids were screaming.
"I wasn't just physically violent. I was intimidating. I made Mary so scared that if I said jump she did. She would buy a new TV and then I would come home from the pub and if my dinner wasn't ready I would smash the TV up.
"I would smash up whole houses, so many houses ended up with so many holes in the wall. I would always feel crap the next day but I would still do it over and over again. Things got so bad Mary wouldn't go and see her family because she always had black eyes and swollen lips. She stopped going out altogether, dressed like a hag, just because she knew it would make me jealous."
When George had to pick up a nephew from Court he realised that his violence was being passed on to another generation: "It woke me up. I started crying and said to him: ‘Boy you are living my life, I taught you well. Live your own life!"
"We drove straight to a stopping violence programme. The programme was real hard, it was hard looking at my own family and what my violence was doing to them, but it made me want to start changing my life.
"It took me a while before I realised it was me doing this. It's not the bottle of whisky, not my wife telling me to smash the windows, it's me and all because I can't handle my insecurity."
"When I changed I had to apologise to my children and my wife. I knew saying sorry wasn't enough. I had to change too. I went to see my wife's father to apologise for hurting his daughter. My knees were shaking I was so scared, but that was an important part of my journey."
"My children were afraid of me too. Now I am proud of how secure they are. The fear is gone and they feel safe to say or do anything. I always wanted to be a good dad but I was too busy impressing everyone else. Now I am a good dad. I know I am because my wife tells me!"
He says he and Mary's love has grown so much and their relationship is so safe they can talk about anything. "We can talk the heart stuff now".
George is a violence free champion for the It's not OK Campaign. He is available to speak at community events and hui. If you would like George to visit your community please email areyouok@msd.govt.nz