I'm very worried, what do I do?

Hi,  I'm not really sure whether my problem is that bad, but I really need advice. I'm worried about my two youngest nephews and niece. Their parents get into extreme verbal arguments, which are so loud that we can hear them from the other side of the property. They also yell at the kids, and I'm sure they must feel scared, as much as my Mum and Dad try and shelter them.

My sister is very loud and controlling, and I feel that my Mum is sometimes afraid of her. I know I am. I suffer from anxiety, and don't feel able to stand up to my sister in any way, though at the same time I'm concerned about her. She gets yelled at by her husband, and never seems to have enough money for basic things like food and clothes, for her or for the kids. Both of them are smoking pot, and the police have been called a few times, but never taken it to court or anything.

I want my nephews and niece to grow up in a stable, loving and supportive home. Mum keeps saying that she should do something about it, but she's afraid how my sister would take it and also worried that the kids would be taken away from their parents. I'm very worried that if Mum knew I'd done something, she'd never talk to me again. What do I do?

First of all please know that I appreciate the position you are in and I truly do understand how difficult this must be for you. What I have seen in you from your letter is a woman who desperately wants help for her niece and nephews and will make personal sacrifices to get it and I want to acknowledge and honour you for that.

Children depend on us as adults to keep them safe and protected, to give them the best possible chance in life and value them for the gift that they are. They must be the priority in situations like you have described, because they have no voice and no power therefore it must be an adult who stands up for them which is exactly what you have done.

So, what can you do.? First, please accept that what you have done by writing in is the right thing and there is absolutely no doubt about that. There is now evidence to prove that children who are brought up in an environment like your nephews and niece are in will suffer lasting effects on their lives if there is no intervention. Even children who are not directly on the receiving end of abuse but do witness it can be damaged by it.

Research also shows that if children have just one person they can go to who they trust and feel safe with it can make a big difference, perhaps you can be that person for your niece and nephews and spend as much time with them as you can.

You could make contact with social service agencies in your area which can be found by ringing 0800 456 450 and talk to them about your concerns and ask for their advice. You don't have to give them any details like your name or that of your family, just say that you want advice at this stage. Remember doing nothing is not an option as it is the lives and futures of three innocent children that are at stake.

Is there any family member or friend that you trust completely that you could go to and share this problem with and see if they could offer any advice or just be there for you and support you?

If you have access to the internet google the words "Effects of abuse on children" and there you will find many sites that you can have a look at which will speak of what happens to children who suffer in this way.

What could come out of this could be help for your sister and her partner. They need help and maybe if this is bought out into the open they may see the benefits of what that help may bring, especially with their parenting. 

Please also know this is in no way laying blame on your sister and partner, this is about acknowledging that there is a problem, and doing something about it. I know for myself and because of my history that I didn't parent well and thought I was doing ok but the fact was is that I wasn't and through different programmes and courses and personal development work on myself I am now able to be a much better mother to my 16 year old and a much better ‘Nana' to my mokos.

I know this is scary for you but please keep going. You don't have to do this alone, there are people who will walk beside you through this and help you in any way they can. Ring the agencies! You are so brave and so amazing!! What a brilliant Aunty you are to these children. They are very blessed to have you.

Jude

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