Q:

I've married a bully

I really don't know what to do, I've married a bully. At the start it was really good but now I'm constantly getting told I'm a useless ugly maggot and so on. He restricts who I ring, if I make a phone call he screams out nasty things so I have to hang up. My main contact is facebook which he hates me being on. I just feel so lonely.

He picks on me constantly to the point I fight him physically which I hate. I'll talk to him and he will be rude back to me and will twist words and deny anything he has said which really gets me mad. We have two lovely kids, he says often how bad of a mum I am, but I try really hard and they are really well looked after I think.

What I want is how do I stop getting physically abusive to him, I just don't know how else to control myself when he stands over me saying hurtful words or he follows me even when I say leave me alone. I just don't know what to do and some days I find dying might be easier than living with him anymore.


A:

Thank you for writing in and sharing. Please know I understand how difficult this must be for you so I will share with you some options you make like to do to help you.

First of all I need to tell you that none on what is being done to you is your fault. You are being abused by someone who is choosing to use that particular kind of behaviour and he alone is responsible for it.

There are many forms of abuse other than physical and what you have described is mental abuse, emotional abuse and psychological abuse and you do not - ever - deserved to be treated in that way.

What I would like to suggest is that you consider talking to someone as soon as possible. You are too precious and too important for anything to happen and your children need you as I'm sure you're a wonderful mother. There is help available to you immediately if you feel that you are going to do something to yourself and that is through the crisis line at your hospital. They have a team of people who will talk to you and do whatever you need to help you get through.

I would like to suggest that you contact your local women's refuge. They will be able to help you in many ways and they will understand completely about your situation and what it is doing to you. They will also be able to offer you many kinds of support that you can take them up on if you want. Things like going to stay with them for a while to give you a chance to rest and also have some time to think about what you want to do and what you need.

They will talk with you and help you in any way they can and they will do it with kindness and understanding. It's important that you know you are not alone, you have done nothing wrong and that there are people there who can and want to help.

If you would like to ring our information line on 0800 456 450, they will give you the contact details of your local women's refuge. You then give them a call, share what is happening and they will advise you of what they can offer and then make a plan with you. Because of the way you are feeling it's important that you reach out as soon as possible and having these women to talk to I believe could be a great help.

Another option is that you ring a social service agency in your area who specialise in helping people going through situations similar to yours. They too will completely understand. You can also get contact details for other organisations from 0800 456 450. They will immediately be able to advise you of what to do and what they can offer to help you. Again please keep in mind that you are not to blame for any of this, you are not a bad person.

Please also know that I will be thinking of you and please write back in if there is anything else I can help you with. I need you to know that I'm here for you and you are not alone.

Jude

 

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