My daughter needs a strong advocate too

Hi Jude, My daughter and her two children had left her marriage of domestic violence one year ago. She had been given a protection order for herself and children and very briefly he had supervised access. One year on she is truly struggling. She had gone along with all Court recommendations, put up with various forms of him breaching the protection order, but Police did not deem the total of these as significant, had the Judge give him unsupervised access in his own home town (physical abuse goes on in his home) and now the Judge has lifted the protection order off the kids. 

Why is the abuser being allowed to get away with his crimes. My daughter needs a strong advocate too. They were directed to have couple counselling, court ordered, and the counsellor couldn't control the session, allowed the abuser to use stand over tactics right there. The counsellor then conveniently forgot that it happened when evidence was required for the Family Court. 

Anyway I watch my granddaughter, now she's doing to her mother what her father did. She has just returned from unsupervised access and tried to hit her mother today. What does it take for the Judge to actually get it right or what do we have to do to change the verdicts? I'm afraid for my two grandchildren as their father's whole family has issues here, even one family member is writing up an affidavit to this and his mother is being reported to a professional association due to her input into the abuses on my daughter and others. I truly believe the two Judges we have are not supportive. What can we do....what can she do?? This is also placing her in huge debt due to travel expenses to access drop offs and pick ups etc.

Your concerns for your daughter and granddaughter are very real and I appreciate where you are coming from. It must be very distressing to see your grandchildren exhibiting behaviours towards their mother that are abusive. I believe you are right when you say your daughter needs an advocate and there are people available to do this. If you contact your local women's refuge or any community organisation operating in your area, you can explain your concerns and request an appointment and ask for their help. They can then help, not only as an advocate in court procedures but in helping with the children as well. You can phone our information line on 0800 456 450 to find out what's available in your area.

There are also many wonderful programmes available that help with parenting when faced with situations like you have described. Not only does it help us learn new ways of parenting which can be more effective, it helps us learn to understand why children who have been in homes where abuse has been used, or is currently being used, act and behave the way they do. There are also programmes for children who have been affected by family violence.

In regards to your daughter herself what is she doing for herself to help her work through the time she spent in an abusive relationship? There are also many wonderful programmes to help women just like your daughter to help empower them and support them in rebuilding their lives. Again these programmes are run through community organisations (social services) where you could access details by contacting them.

As for the Judges' decisions regarding the protection orders, I can't comment on those as it is not my area but keep searching for an advocate that listens to you and hears you and ask them to represent you.

Is finding a lawyer (the right lawyer - again someone who will listen to you and hear you) a possibility? You could then look at maybe revisiting some of the issues that you feel have not been dealt with accordingly and try and seek a different outcome. In the meantime what you can do is continue to do what you are doing by supporting and loving your daughter and grandchildren and just be there for them. 

If you have concerns about the service you've received from any professional you can follow their complaints process to have your concerns addressed.

Jude

← Back to Ask Jude