My parents are always arguing and fighting

Hi Jude. I'm 11 and I'm very upset. My parents are always arguing and fighting. I understand sometimes that in relationships this will happen, but my parents have been married for at least 12 years now or maybe longer. But when they fight my dad will hit my mum and I can't take it, I will cry my heart out to the sound of dishes smashing, punches, slaps, swear words. My dad told me that they don't mean the hurtful things they say, but I don't know if that's true. My dad always brings things up from the past and its like 'Dad, that's from the past. Can you think about the good things that will come in the future? Because, seriously, you need to'. I'm fed up of this nonsense they say, act and do. My dad just takes his anger out on everyone, I think we need to see a family counsellor. But I don't want my parents to get divorced and they don't want to be separated either. Please give me advice on how to handle these Jude.

What an amazing young person you are. You are brave and courageous for writing in and sharing what you have and asking for help. I am very proud of you and have a great deal of respect for you.

The situation you have described sounds extremely difficult and I understand your concern for wanting to keep your family together, family is incredibly important. What you're dealing with is not healthy or positive for such a young person to be carrying, let alone on their own. This is why I would like to suggest that you think of all the people in your life, family, friends, and see if there is someone who you feel a connection to that you feel you could trust enough to go to and talk to and share what is happening. You really can't continue to carry this on your own, it's too big.

Perhaps you could write a list of names of people who may be able to help and go through them one by one and if you don't feel that you could go to them cross them off your list and see if you come up with "one". If you still don't come up with someone, what about at school? A lot of schools have social workers or counsellors working there, is there one at your school that you feel you could go to? What about a teacher?

It is very very important that you speak to someone as soon as possible and these people are trained to work with young people going through the exact situation you are going through. To do this doesn't mean that things will happen and you will get into trouble for telling. It is about you having the support of someone who will be there for you and help you if you need anything.

You are too young to be dealing with this by yourself. They will help you put things in place to keep you safe when these situations happen and also look at how they can help (or get help for) your family. There is lots of help available for your parents too.

I want you to know that whatever is happening with your parents has nothing to do with you. None of what is happening is your fault. OK!!! I wish you the very very best and I truly hope things work out for you and your family.

Jude

← Back to Ask Jude