What advice would you give to someone?

Hi there Jude, I am doing a school project on family violence and was wondering if you would be able to answer a few questions for me. Who does family violence effect? How long did it take you before you realised you had to get out of that relationship? What advice would you give to someone who is in a violent relationship?


Thank you for your letter and your questions.

Who does family violence affect?

The answer to this question is everyone. If there is a family where violence is occurring (in any way) we now know without a doubt that it does have an affect on everyone in the household to some degree. Even children who are in another room and not witnessing the violence directly are affected.

How long did it take you before you realised you had to get out?

For me unfortunately it took many many years. I was walking with a belief system that I was an unworthy, unlovable bad person who deserved to be beaten and abused. When you have a belief system like this it means you don't have good self esteem, good self worth and self value or self respect so you don't believe you deserve anything good in your life and you also believe you deserve to be abused. Until your belief system changes and your self esteem grows nothing will change.

I was very blessed to meet a lady at a course I was sent to and she saw something in me and then asked if I would allow her to help me take control back of my life and start living in a completely different way. I accepted and the first place she took me and challenged me was my belief system. She told me that the beliefs I was carrying about myself and the world were not true and never were. The truth was and is that I am a lovable good person worthy of great things in life. This was hard for me to accept as I had been carrying this old belief for nearly 30 years and now I had to start believing something totally opposite.

But I truly believe for anyone to make long-lasting positive changes in their life this is what they need to do. This can be a very difficult task but I know from first hand experience if I had not changed my belief system there would have been a very high possibility that I would have ended up in another abusive relationship.

What advice would I give to someone who is in a violent relationship? Seek help! This is such a difficult time for anyone to be going through and even more so if going through it alone. I would suggest trying to find someone they can trust who they can talk to who could offer support, encouragement, guidance and love. Someone who will not judge but will be understanding and kind.

There are organisations in every community which help people who are in family violence situations. They offer education, personal development to help empower people, parenting and programmes for children. There are counsellors and social workers who are trained in the area of family violence to help people through this difficult time.

Anyone can find out about what organisations provide these services in their community by phoning 0800 456 450.



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