Q:

I don't want my best friend dead

Hi Vic, I watched you on TV and I must say you have made me look at a problem I have in different eyes. 

My best friend who is a smart, amazing hard working mother of two, soon to be three (due in 6 weeks) and her partner has beaten her so bad that one day I got a call that she had been dealt to so bad that both eyes where swollen shut and she needed help with her son. 

I have never met this man as I have had a so much hate for him that she knows I would lose it if ever we meet. 

I still have NO idea what the hell she sees in him but maybe I don't hate him as much after seeing your show.

I think you let me feel a bit (just a bit) of pity and maybe I should think this is all he knows. 

But this has been going on for four years now. 

He will kill her or her oldest lad (he is 8 but not his son and that boy will take a swing for his mum, he just sticks up for everyone) and I have a permanent knot in my gut when I think about what she is living with. 

I'm not sure why I am writing you this. I just don't want my best friend dead and don't know what to do. 

She just won't keep herself or her kids safe. 

Any ideas?


A:

Hi, I think you are writing this because YOU CARE!

Four years is too long for this violence on your best friend to be going on. And it's gotta stop!
NO pity needed here. Men who perpetrate violence are out and out (*&^%$#$%^&*) for real...so no pity.

You feel love, care and compassion for your best friend and the kids. SO DO I.
I also have the same love care and compassion for HIM.

He has no one. He may have his mates, but no one that can share with him about the violence that he is perpetrating cos no one knows what it is, where it comes from or how to deal with it.

I was that man!

Fortunately I have been able to make sense of the violence and the abuse I perpetrated and have been on the journey for over 20 years to be a safe man.

NOW!

Your friend's partner must not be allowed to continue on perpetrating this violence. If your friend is not going to do anything about it YOU do it.

Contact the Police and let them know about the violence that you know about, they have family violence coordinators trained to deal with these cases and they are a lot more sensitive about the whole issue of family violence than they used to be.

Contact Women's Refuge to get a safety plan for her to get her out of there and to a safe place.

If you do happen to see him let him know how you feel about his violence and abuse on your friend and that you are not going to put up with it any longer and that you will ring the Police and that he must get help.

He can also make contact with me on here so we can talk.

If you decide to talk to him, do it assertively, go with a friend or friends that want to help and support your best friend NOT because you hate him but because he needs some serious help.

I want to help you to help your friend and kids but also to help him.

She loves him so much that she is taking the beating. Let work together and see how best we can help.

Ring the Police is the first step - he needs to be brought to account for his behaviour. It is against the law to assault another person.

If you do get the opportunity to talk with him let him know that you know, you want the best for your best friend and the kids and you want him to get help.

I know it's frustrating

We have to start! Now!

Vic

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