Q:

I hit my partner

I need help man. I've hit my partner of four years now about four times. Not a full on hiding but yea I've hit her.


A:

Thank you for writing in. We both know that what you been doing is not OK and I'm really grateful that you have written asking for help.

My friend the first thing to do is make a deal with yourself that you will not hit your partner again.

Next thing you do is to let your partner know that you have written to me to find out how you can sort this stuff out of why you're giving her a hiding.

My friend I know you probably already know this but I'm going to say it anyway.

YOU have no right to give anyone a hiding NO right whatsoever.

The right that you DO have is the right to find out what it is that gave you the belief to think that you are allowed to give someone a hiding.

Now that you have let your partner know that you are in pursuit of an answer to the violence and abuse that you have been doing, let's get started.

I need you to ring 0800 456 450.

Make contact with them and get the contact details for the local stopping violence programme and join it and begin the journey to be violence free.

My friend I grew up with the belief that I had the right to beat people up including my family.
This belief came from growing up as a kid with violence and abuse from home, school, church and with my mates.

This was all I knew when I got married, but I made the conscious decision that I would not be like my Dad.

I didn't give my kids the same hidings that I got, I believed it was way easier and better.

BUT what I found out from the stopping violence programme is that it was all still the same. It may not have been as bad as what was done to me but it was still violence and abuse and my family didn't know that what I was doing wasn't as bad as what was done to me.

Only I was there when I got these hidings.

The stopping violence programme helped me to see and understand that violence and abuse is violence and abuse. There is no good reason for it, other than power and control.

The issue I had was not power and control, my problem was that this was all I knew - the violence that was done to me was done in the name of God and was called love.

As a kid growing up I believed what I was told and perpetrated this ‘love' on my family, till I finally got help in 1992.

My friend I want you to get this same education and awareness about giving a ‘hiding' and the tools and skills that I got to stop giving people a hiding, even to stop thinking that giving a ‘hiding' is an answer to resolving anything.

Please my friend get onto joining a stopping violence programme as soon as possible and stay in touch so we can work on it together. Yea.

Thank you again for caring enough to write in.

Vic

 

← Back to Ask Vic