Grab onto the light and hold it tight - 27 June 2016

Once upon a time in a land far far away, a little girl was born happy and innocent as can be. At first this little girl seemed normal, your typical little one. But she had many gifts and talents that were dying to come out. Her grandparents were ecstatic and raised her high above others. She sat on a pedestal admired and loved.

But...when she reached five everything changed. At school she was arrogant, her intelligence made it difficult for her to fit in. She went to school and played with friends that no one else could see because no one wanted to play with her. She had a pet Allosaurus who was named Big Al who cheered her up when she started feeling down. She was bullied by everyone, not just the students but teachers too and sometimes one parent, all because she was too different. The little girl became angry as the years rolled on. She locked herself away. Deciding she no longer wanted to play, her jealously grew all the more when her popular sister, skipped a grade. The girl was furious, most believed she wanted to be the centre of attention. But the reason she acted this way was even sadder, almost everyday or if she was on her best behaviour.

Once a week her mother would give her a special treat, a treat that all naughty little girls deserved.  that's absurd, because in truth, it was something far worse, it was abuse. With her eyes streaming tears, the little girl would stand up with the help of the little sister, who she hated and scorned and tried to understand why her mummy had hit her.

For years the little girl experienced this torture. Even today I wonder how a mother could do this to her daughter. The little girl as she aged became more violent. Taking out her anger on those who were trying to help her, school staff, counsellors. Even her sister and father, the polite little girl had been replaced, with a fire breathing dragon who swore in their faces if they tried to help her.

She attended kung fu as she grew even older to become a little stronger and wiser, at least that's what she told everyone because that wasn't true. She was doing it so she could stand up to you know who, she wasn't going to take the beatings anymore, she would fight her mother tooth and claw. But because she fought back, the punishments got worse and over time she was too weak to protect herself and so the little girl once a strong fighter was now broken and defeated by her mother sometimes she could barely stand after a beating and people would tell her she was over reacting. her little sister tried to help by taking some beatings too. By the time her mum was done, she was black and blue. And all the time that this went on the girl pretended that she was strong, she never told anyone what her mum did, no one would believe her. At least that's what she thought they would think. But after a beating the girl would just break, held by her sister in a protective embrace. And all that time, the girl would cry, screaming into her sister. Why?! you'd think this rhyme couldn't get any sadder. but in 2011 everything went to hell.

When the girl's ex boyfriend fell in love with her mother as well. She was disgusted and voiced her opinions, calling her ex things that should never be repeated but because of her defiance the punishments got worse. They would hold her down as she kicked and bit. Anything to escape her punishment. Sometimes she was in so much pain she could barely stand and would limp into her school, clutching her head. she couldn't do anything, she was the victim and no one would ever believe her. So pain became anger and sadness became sorrow. and when her mum kicked her out she thought the worse was over... that's the end of the rhyme but not of this story, for now the girl was a young lady.

Who had to try and put her past behind her. when her nana saw her she weighed thirty kilograms. She was nearly seventeen and was severely anorexic due to her mother not teaching her to cook. The young lady had almost been eating raw meat as she was nursed back to health it became very apparent that the abuse had left scars, that could not be seen. Physically there was nothing. She was as fit as can be but mentally she was very ill indeed. Depression and Anxiety decided to wreak havoc and although she tried she couldn't outrun her past, flashbacks and suppressed memories came flooding back.

Until she suffered her first serious anxiety attack, now five years on a young lady stands, next to a horse who is her main man. He saved her life and she owes him a debt. But their friendship is wonderful and its still growing yet. She loves him so much she is saving every penny to afford this wonderful gelding. In her spare time she's become a writer and artist. She's doing good, has the odd relapse. but what do you expect with a story like that? She's doing pretty well for herself. now that she's getting her life sorted out. She's talking to people, like her counsellor. And has her sister and daddy to keep the nightmares at bay. She's going to study to get her degree. She wants to be an instructor and teach nervous riders to be free of their anxiety and fears that are holding them back. Not bad for a girl who still is a total wreck when no one is watching she becomes darker.

But then she remembers that would be a disaster.

She's got a wicked sense of humor and is always smiling. her enthusiasm is toxic, her outlook on life so bright. All because she saw a light. And that light was something that told her it would all be alright. If she just grabbed on and held on tight. And that light still guides her, I'm happy to say. How do I know? Because I see it every day. I see it in the mirror when she puts on a happy face and when she admires her figure in her own unique way, because you see I haven't been entirely honest.

That girl is me and I am an artist. A writer, a lover and happy as can be. Because I live my life for me. So if I can give everyone one piece of advice. Grab onto the light and hold it tight. You'll never be free of the darkness inside but as long as you remember the good things in life, than the light will keep on shining bright. As for me I know I've come so far but the roads just begun. I've got things to do and I hope that somewhere you do too. Hold onto the light don't let it go. Because you have no idea how far you will go...



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